Catharsis from Rock Bottom

It's kinda funny...just when you think life has thrown every curve ball it can in your direction, something else unexpectedly knocks you to the ground.

But you know what is awesome? When "the fog" lifts, you are able to see what is important so much more clearly.

I think way too much and create more stress in my life than is necessary...Life is too short to be so pensive. I need to go out and drink and laugh and put to rest the demons of the past couple of months...I need to accept that it is okay to grieve and not okay to pretend there is nothing wrong. I need to remember that the people that really love me and are the ones that I tend to step on the most - and that needs to change. I must believe that karma will catch up to me and that the people in my life that are weighing me down must go...And I need embrace the fact that tears are not only normal, but healthy when released at appropriate times.

"To-day is not yesterday: we ourselves change; how can our Works and Thoughts, if they are always to be the fittest, continue always the same? Change, indeed, is painful; yet ever needful; and if Memory have its force and worth, so also has Hope. " ~ Thomas Carlyle

But enough of the philosophy talk -

Ho Hum...

So it is monay morning, and I am sitting at my desk at work wishing I wasn't here. It is so damn slow right now...and there is stuff I could be doing to get ahead of the curve before the close of Q4, but I am just not into it...

So much has been going on it is insane...here are a few highlights:

*meeting and hanging out with Luis's new coworkers, who are all really fun people.
*celebrating my and Luis's 4.5 year anniversary
*lots of family stuff
*Christmas preparation stuff - and the madness that is created by said chaos
*gift wrapping
*working

Doesn't sound so crazy when I break it down like that, but oh well.

I have been something of an emotional wreck the last week or so...I have held back my feelings about stuff and been bottling it all up because I feel lame for being sad still, but I had to come to the realization (in an unfortunate way) that dealing with grief of that kind in that particular manner is more counterproductive than anything else...I end up taking it out in other arenas that don't deserve it...I also need to understand that 2 weeks after learning of loss is really not much time and I just need to roll with it and not supress it... everything happens for a reason...

I guess, as a summation, I can say that this year I grew up...I know how chessy that may come across, but I actually had to deal with life this year...I mean, I have "been an adult" for the last 5 years now, learning how to fend for myself and such...I have even been self sufficient for quite some time and learned how to manage my money and my work with my social life and other responsibilities - all things that constitute "adulthood"...but events that transpired throughout this year really hit me hard...I feel like I went through the "boot camp of being a grown up"...and I would like to think that of all the lessons I have learned this year, the best I will walk away with is to love with an open heart but yet be tough to what life will throw at you...

"To make a mountain of your life is just a choice. But I never learned enough to listen to the voice that told me 'always love - hate will get you every time. Always love - don't wait 'till the finish line' "

"...I feel the beat in the rythm of my steps, but, sometimes it's a sad song..."

*stream of consciousness...

I have sat down to blog three nights in a row...Each night I have had the burden of something plaguing me...and each night, once I sit with my fingers poised on the keys I opt out...Why? Is it because writing about what happened seemingly creates a "tangibility"? Could it be that reading said diatribe will awaken a whole new crop of emotion? Perhaps a little bit of column A and smidge of column B...All I know is tonight is the first night I have been completely alone (by my choosing, mind you) since it happened and my synapses have been rapid firing in all directions...Self-inflicted retrospection is seldom invigorating and almost always too stark for one's own good - especially in the wake of loss...I am not, by nature of my character, a morbid or depressed indiviual...I don't thrive on a "half-empty" glass...yet, tonight I find myself truly struggling...I know there are supposed to be something like 7 steps of grieving - or some shit like that...but to be quite honest, I never really stopped with the "angry/frustrated" step...To be brutally honest, I find myself oscillating between crying gallons of tears to being pissed that such a bright light was snuffed out in a harsh gust...and I know - more than anything else - I need to eat my own words and take my own damn advice : "What has happened cannot be changed - it is what we walk away with that makes us stronger." But what do I know...

I just "know" that the finality of death is really difficult to conceptualize - especially when it hits close to home...I guess a part of me feels like it died with my aunt...

But don't misinterpret my words...I am not a threat to myself by any means...and I know in no time at all I will be back to my smiling self - once I figure out how to let go...I think my grandpa put it best on monday night - "time heals everything"...so true...and I am positive that I was blessed to have someone so uplifting love me as family...Saying goodbye is just an ugly side to growing up that no one is ever truly prepared to face...

My friends have been so wonderful to me - and so supportive...and I could cry just thinking of how much it means to me to have people around me who care as much as they do...I know I couldn't do this alone - and they have stood by me for everything...

And in the end, I feel loved.